STORIES FROM THE QUIET WAR book cover

I was sure I parked the shuttle right here.

My fake book review, based solely on its cover.

Ryan was beginning to suspect that he’d been had. After seventeen hours floating alone in an envirosuit, listening to the same song over and over again, that was definitely looking likely.

Reflecting on the sequence of events, he wondered if there had been any warning signs. The ad on Craigslist seemed pretty straightforward. There was nothing strange with the seller wanting to dock in a parking orbit around this uninhabited planet, right? It was the same galaxy, so that counted as dealing locally, right?

It was only polite to accept when the seller insisted on coming aboard Ryan’s ship, too, instead of just meeting in the airlock, right? Ryan supposed the part about the seller insisting that Ryan put on the envirosuit was a bit odd. After all, he was just trying to buy last year’s generation iPad for near full-retail value.

The stranger didn’t seem the slightest bit untrustworthy when he politely, but insistently, coaxed Ryan into the secondary airlock. Ryan was even a little bit surprised when the stranger sealed the airlock and then blew Ryan out into open space.

Ryan desperately wished he’d thought to program the envirosuit’s media selection with more than just one song. Of course, he had thought to bring the hardware key for the self-destruct mechanism with him. The mechanism Ryan had set to blow his recently stolen spacecraft to bits in about three more hours unless the key was replaced.

Ryan might not have been the fastest particle in the hadron collider, but he wasn’t stupid.

Except for the part about not figuring out how to catch a lift back to inhabited space before his air ran out in another fifteen minutes. Maybe someone with an improbability drive would be along shortly.

# # #

Okay, so that’s not what this collection of stories is really about. Here’s some of the actual description:

After the end of the Quiet War, the victorious forces from Earth have taken control of the cities and settlements of the moons of Saturn and Jupiter. In ‘Making History’ and ‘Karyl’s War’, the victors and the defeated discover that defining the end of the war isn’t easy. In ‘Incomers’, a young visitor from Earth learns of an unexpected reconciliation. In ‘Second Skin’, a spy attempting to kidnap a valuable gene wizard discovers that he isn’t quite what he thought he was. And in ‘Reef’, the discovery of a fast-evolving ecosystem of vacuum organisms in a planetoid in the Kuiper Belt has far-reaching implications for the spread of life throughout the Solar System.

You can find more details over at Amazon. Go check it out for yourself.

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    Gardens of the Moon book cover

    Domino's is never going to make it in thirty minutes.

    My fake book review, based solely on its cover.

    The dark wizard Malazan has lived alone for fifty years. His tower lies on the edge of the Skaleestee Mountains, overlooking the Plains of Skoochnee. He is determined to use his magic to flood the plains and bring the Salyawnee Ocean to his doorstep. Only then will his tower become a light house and therefore his own life will have meaning.

    His only companions are one hundred kit-teh, a breed of semi-intelligent felines that share a telepathic bond with each other. Always underfoot, they provide Malazan the only source of companionship he has. In return the Kit-tehs are only interested in his food providing abilities.

    The kit-teh realize that if Malazan succeeds in flooding the Plains of Skoochnee, the boring but largely innocent farmers will be wiped out. More importantly, their harvests of the kit-nip plants will stop forever. The kit-teh instinctively know that this simply will not do. Malazan must die.

    Will Malazan raise the waters and bring his plans to fruition? Will the kit-teh get organized long enough for one of them to trip Malazan down a flight of stairs?

    # # #

    Okay, so that’s clearly not what this book is really about. It is an epic fantasy, Malazan Book of the Fallen Volume 1. With ten books in the series, it should keep one reading for some time. Here’s a taste of the description.

    The Malazan Empire simmers with discontent, bled dry by interminable warfare, bitter infighting and bloody confrontations. Even the imperial legions, long inured to the bloodshed, yearn for some respite. Yet Empress Laseen’s rule remains absolute, enforced by her dread Claw assassins.

    For Sergeant Whiskeyjack and his squad of Bridgeburners, and for Tattersail, surviving cadre mage of the Second Legion, the aftermath of the siege of Pale should have been a time to mourn the many dead. But Darujhistan, last of the Free Cities of Genabackis, yet holds out. It is to this ancient citadel that Laseen turns her predatory gaze.

    You can read the full actual book description at Amazon.

     

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      Exmortus book cover

      Just how old is that chastity belt?

      My fake book review, based solely on its cover.

      Y3-S was determined to give Boba Fett the key to her heart. As she was a pleasure droid, this was a physical possibility and not merely a metaphor.

      She had been in the employ of Boba Fett long enough to realize that he was always losing keys. They had been locked out of the Slave I numerous times already, and she did not want this to happen with the key to her heart. There was only one solution. Carbonite. One big huge slab of carbonite.

      Her plan was to freeze the key to her heart in a thirty pound block. Even Boba Fett would have a difficult time in misplacing that. And he wouldn’t miss it when she tossed it through his living room window.

      Boba Fett does have one secret that Y3-S has not yet discovered. Will she be able to satisfy her Boba Fetish before the truth comes out about Boba’s secret feelings towards Darth Vader?

      # # #

      Okay, so I’ve gotten that pretty much exactly wrong. Here’s a snippet about what this epic fantasy novel is really about.

      EXMORTUS is the story of Ash Xavier, a headstrong young knight whose faith is challenged when the long-forgotten gods of ancient civilizations send their avatar to obliterate the remote holy fortress of Exmortus Abbey –his home.

      The safest bet would be to read the full book description at Amazon. Plus it has creepy demons. Creepy being the best kind. Maybe they look like little girls.

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        A Clockwork Orange, book cover

        Extra yarbles compensate for the missing eye.

        My fake book review, based solely on its cover.

        This particular novel is a retelling of the classic The Odyssey by Homer, but in a steampunk setting. My favorite part of the original epic has always been the cyclops. In this retelling, the author goes even further and also removes one of the ears, the nose and mouth all for dramatic effect. The author then adds a bowler hat for no apparent reason, and also some gear-laden monocles for the cyclops for that true steampunk ambiance. Oh, and the ship is a zeppelin, of course, for even more steampunky goodness.

        More anachronisms sneak in when Odysseus proclaims at one point “I went to Lesbos and all I got was this stupid t-shirt.”

        From there it degrades even further ending with a teaser chapter from the sequel. Apparently the author is going to mash in Doctor Who for “A Clockwork Dalek.” I guess they can’t all be classics like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

        # # #

        Well, that’s what this particular version of the cover says to me anyways. Here’s a bit of the real description, you can read the full actual description here.

        A vicious fifteen-year-old “droog” is the central character of this 1963 classic, whose stark terror was captured in Stanley Kubrick’s magnificent film of the same title. In Anthony Burgess’s nightmare vision of the future, where criminals take over after dark, the story is told by the central character, Alex, who talks in a brutal invented slang that brilliantly renders his and his friends’ social pathology.

        This edition also contains the missing last chapter, but an admittedly less exciting cover.

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          Romance Stories Book Cover

          Rip his heart out, or crush his skull?

          My fake book review, based solely on its cover.

          As an angel, Veronica has helped countless humans make tough decisions in their own lives. From career indecisions (“Should I become a nurse? Or a ninja?“) to matters of life or death. Veronica has guided her human charges through life with the grace and ability that only the divine possess.

          However, Veronica has a decision of her own to make, and it’s not as easy as simply choosing cake. She has fallen in love with a mortal man, and her options are limited.

          Does she choose A) to clip her wings and live life as a human with her mortal lover? (Go to Section A below)

          Or does she choose to B) remain in the heavens fulfilling her divine duties? (Go to Section B below)

          —Section A—

          Veronica clips her wings and descends to the earthly plane, only to discover her mortal crush has just shacked up with some two-bit hussy named Heather. She goes on a multi-state killing spree targeting anyone named Heather.

          —Section B—

          Veronica watches her mortal lover slowly grow old, wither, and then die from her lofty perch. Depressed, she eats large amounts of chocolate cake. On the plus side, she never gains a pound.

          # # #

          Okay, so that’s not what this book is about. This collection of stories is written in the “choose your own” style where the reader gets to make decisions on where the story goes next and THAT is totally awesome. There are hyperlinks embedded in the text to allow the reader to jump back and forth, very handy indeed.

          Here is a little bit from the real description.

          Be the star of six fun and twisted little romance stories. Explore the playfulness, action, and sudden mortal danger of these adventures with built-in hyperlinks where you choose the direction the stories take. Thirty-five possible endings, but only a few will be a happily ever after. Can you find them?

          You can read the rest of the actual book description at Amazon.

          I highly encourage you to choose A) Go Download this Book Now. There is no choice B.

           

          Or Choice C) Watch a video of sea otters holding hands.

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            © 2011 Judging a Book by Its Cover Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha